I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
