I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
