I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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