oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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