I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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