I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I intend to get homeless drunk
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm getting married
To pizza
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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