I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
