My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
