Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
