We need to rekindle our bromance
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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