i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
