I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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