So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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