at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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