he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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