I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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