What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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