Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
