someone threw a dead crab at me
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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