you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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