No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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