you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
