watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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