I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
