D3 body, D1 cock
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
