So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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