yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
