You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
