I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
