You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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