i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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