Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
