I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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