I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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