Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
