Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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