guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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