In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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