i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
