i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
