Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
someone owes me an orgasm
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
