I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
17 year olds will be the death of me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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