she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
How naked do you want me to be?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
