I just made out with a guy for $7.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
