I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
