I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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