i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
