Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
