I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
