PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
